The sea, gently lapping upon wave upon wave. I’ll never get tired of its mesmerising sound. The feel of freedom; swimming in its potentially dangerous but glorious waters.
I have been swimming in those dangerous waters for 14 years. So dangerous that I fear the swimming pool in all its safety, for not knowing any different.
To the outside looking in, it looks like complete and utter madness. Self destruction on a grand scale. Why would you do this to yourself? But to me, it was comfort. A friend that didn’t judge, a much needed hug, a moment of confidence that didn’t exist in my external reality. A way to tolerate life with all my self doubt and hatred. That quickly turned into my worst nightmare, much worse than the events that led me down its path of its insidious hold over me.
Suddenly the honeymoon period over and the reality kicks in. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know any other way. I trundle on and on and on, appearing to only just about hold it together, whilst dying a million times inside. Surviving barely.
The cycle is the trap, the chicken or the egg first? It doesn’t matter, it’s got its hold on you. The lying, the guilt. the shame. Its never ending pattern. The pride, the denial, the defense mechanism, so strong. How do you go against all your impulses? Against the glorious warm fuzzy feeling that’s slowly but surely killing you?