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Dangerous Waters

This is the post excerpt.

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The sea, gently lapping upon wave upon wave. I’ll never get tired of its mesmerising sound. The feel of freedom; swimming in its potentially dangerous but glorious waters.

I have been swimming in those dangerous waters for 14 years. So dangerous that I fear the swimming pool in all its safety, for not knowing any different.

To the outside looking in, it looks like complete and utter madness. Self destruction on a grand scale. Why would you do this to yourself? But to me, it was comfort. A friend that didn’t judge, a much needed hug, a moment of confidence that didn’t exist in my external reality. A way to tolerate life with all my self doubt and hatred. That quickly turned into my worst nightmare, much worse than the events that led me down its path of its insidious hold over me.

Suddenly the honeymoon period over and the reality kicks in. I know it’s wrong but I don’t know any other way. I trundle on and on and on, appearing to only just about hold it together, whilst dying a million times inside. Surviving barely.

The cycle is the trap, the chicken or the egg first? It doesn’t matter, it’s got its hold on you. The lying, the guilt. the shame. Its never ending pattern. The pride, the denial, the defense mechanism, so strong. How do you go against all your impulses? Against the glorious warm fuzzy feeling that’s slowly but surely killing you?

 

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why oh why

It’s a question we ask ourselves many many many times throughout the span of our addictions. So many reasons, theories, models and personal experiences why. Does it matter the reason why? To some it has the upmost importance of knowing this, others not so. Recovery is so personal and there are will always be those that judge your path, maybe because they have found their truth and feel its the only right way, others who are resentful that they can’t do your way. Or as I have sometimes found that as I judge myself so harshly, I am especially sensitive to anyone else’s advice or guidance, whether useful or not, as criticism. We feel uncomfortably safe when we stay stuck in our unhappy comfort zone.

Sober life for the determind

How many times have I been here? How many times around the cycle that feels like it never ends? How many times have I cried this is the last time?

Too many to remember…does that matter? Nope. Why? Because you  never give up trying. You keep going until each lesson you learn from each cycle adds more wisdom from the last and enables you to grow more determined and more courageous.